Retro Video Games

Mortal Kombat (Sega Genesis): A Bloody Good Time! (But Don't Tell Mom)

Okay, dudes and dudettes, let me tell you about this rad new game for the Genesis called Mortal Kombat. It's like Street Fighter II on steroids, with way more blood and guts! Seriously, this game is violent. Like, "hide-it-from-your-parents" violent. But in a totally awesome way.

The graphics are digitized, which means they use real actors, so it looks like a cheesy kung-fu movie come to life. You've got these crazy characters like a guy with freakin' swords coming out of his arms (Baraka, total badass!) and a ninja who can freeze you solid (Sub-Zero, brrr!). And let's not forget Scorpion, who yells "GET OVER HERE!" and pulls you in with a spear. So cool!

The gameplay is tight, with all the punches, kicks, and special moves you'd expect. But the real draw here is the Fatalities. Yeah, you heard me right. Fatalities. When you beat your opponent, you can perform these insane finishing moves that are brutal, hilarious, and totally over-the-top. We're talking ripping out hearts, uppercutting heads clean off, and even turning someone into a skeleton! Just be warned, you might lose your lunch the first time you see one.

Now, the Genesis version ain't perfect. The blood is kinda… well, it looks like red sweat. And some of the moves are a bit tricky to pull off. But honestly, who cares? This game is so much fun, you'll be playing it 'til your thumbs fall off. Just make sure you have a spare controller handy, because your friends are gonna be lining up to play.

Final Verdict:

If you're looking for a fighting game that's action-packed, gory, and totally radical, Mortal Kombat is the game for you. Just don't tell your mom where you got it. She'll probably make you return it for Sonic the Hedgehog or something lame like that.

Pro Tip: If you want to see the "real" blood and Fatalities, you gotta play the arcade version. But good luck finding one that isn't surrounded by a crowd of bloodthirsty teenagers.

Grand Theft Auto Vice City (2002)

Alright, so I finally scored a copy of *Grand Theft Auto: Vice City*, and let me tell you, this game is off the hook! It's like, *Scarface* meets *Miami Vice* with a dash of *Magnum P.I.* thrown in for good measure.  

First off, the 80s vibe is totally rad. The music, the clothes, the cars – it's like stepping into a time machine and cruising down Ocean Drive with Crockett and Tubbs. I swear, I can practically smell the Aqua Net and cocaine. (Just kidding... kind of.)

And the gameplay? Forget about it. It's like *GTA III* on steroids. You can steal cars, bikes, helicopters, even freakin' seaplanes! You can run your own criminal empire, buy up property, and basically become the kingpin of Vice City. Just try not to get busted by those pesky cops, or you'll end up back in the slammer faster than you can say "hair metal."

The missions are totally insane, too. One minute you're delivering pizzas (yeah, right), the next minute you're blowing up a rival gang's drug factory with a remote-controlled helicopter. It's like an action movie on crack, and you're the star.

And the soundtrack? Dude, it's like the ultimate 80s mix tape. Hall & Oates, Michael Jackson, A-ha – all the classics are here. I'm pretty sure I've worn out my rewind button from listening to "Billie Jean" a million times while cruising around in my Infernus.

The only downside? My girlfriend is totally pissed because I haven't left the house in three days. But hey, a guy's gotta do what a guy's gotta do, right? Besides, I'm pretty sure she's secretly hooked on the game too. I caught her playing it the other day when she thought I was asleep.

Anyway, if you're looking for a game that's totally awesome, totally addictive, and totally 80s, then you need to check out *Grand Theft Auto: Vice City*. Just be prepared to lose a few hours (or days) of your life. Trust me, it's worth it.

Later,

Your gaming guru from 2002 ✌️

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